I've never been one for resolutions... but for the last few years, I've found myself reflecting during this time of year. Reflecting over the year that's coming to an end... what worked for me, so I can keep it up & improve on it. What didn't work, so I can leave that shit behind.
The latter half of this year has shown me a happiness that I had not seen in quite awhile. I'm 25 now, and I'm beginning to look at some things and how they are situated in the Big Picture that I know as my life. One thing I've noticed is my lack of desire to impress.
I've always been the "goody-goody". This stems from childhood, as I remember always aiming to please. I always wanted to be the good kid, and was rewarded for this quite often via gifts, compliments from teachers, church members, extended family, etc. So of course, I kept it up. This followed me right into adulthood, though, and only recently have I realized that somewhere along the line, my "aim to please" mentality has diminished.
I'm not going to say the mentality is gone completely. When it comes to my work ethic, I definitely still like to put my best foot forward at all times... taking on special tasks, volunteering overtime...these are things I do not only for accolades and bonuses, but because I genuinely enjoy contributing.
But when it comes to relationships, I've began to see that I've been making a crucial mistake. One that I had to take several steps back to see a little more clearly. I've realized that it's ingrained in me to be what I've always seen as a "good girlfriend". I haven't been in a lot of relationships...I can count them all on one hand. I'm currently single (well...that's a whole 'nother post), so obviously those relationships all ended for one reason or another. But in the end, I've always been left asking myself what I did wrong.
Then it dawned on me...
I've spent my time trying to be the girl I thought men wanted... instead of being myself.
There's a part of me that's been reaching out to the surface (a surface which is covered by somewhat inadvertent attempts to be perfect, because who leaves the perfect girlfriend??). In my mind, I've always rationalized this by believing that if I'm everything my man wants and needs, he's going to always stay around. It didn't matter if what he wanted and needed compromised the 'Me' that I wanted to be.
The problem is, after doing this for so long, it becomes difficult to recognize who you are. You're used to playing a role now. So who you're actually meant to BE is pushed aside, while you remain in character. Now this is juxtaposed with me pretty much spending my whole transition into adulthood (age 17 to 21) in a relationship with the same person. I've never had time to sit back and get to know me. Until now. Although I am seeing someone, I'm also becoming committed to learning GiGi. I'm listening to her. I'm treating her to the things she wants. I'm loving up on her the way she should be loved up on, so that she knows what to command when she's ready for another exclusive relationship.
I'm paying attention to who GiGi is as a person, and getting to know the pretty & not-so-pretty aspects of her personality. I'm genuinely no longer interested in playing a role to impress someone just to get them to stay around. I'm moreso realizing that being true to me, and appreciating those who enjoy being around ME is more rewarding.
So if I were to make any type of resolution, it would be continue this. Why? Because I've realized that self-awareness is essential to developing dope character and shit.
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