Shuffle Post 11/25

I've been pretty sick today but my first song in this evening's shuffle is "Words" by Anthony David & India.Arie...
I love this song, its lyrics are just super real, the piano accompaniment is beautiful, and I think the two artists complement each other pretty well. 
It's hard to even pick a favorite part of the song, but there's one part that's always kinda jumped out at me:

"Got my mind made
I don't plan to leave...
'cause you are meant for me.
Simple, that may be...
Why be complex?
Loving you is so easy..."

The last couple lines hit home, I feel like sometimes we make love so complicated and...extra. And it really doesn't have to be. We impose so many rules and expectations on something that, in its purest form, should really be easy. We make it complicated because we don't allow love to develop and flourish on its own. We want it to fit a template that others have laid out, when really love isn't some one-size-fits-all type of deal. Sometimes it's unorthodox. Sometimes it's beyond explanation. And, well...Sometimes you just gotta let it be.

What the Fuck Am I Doing?

True Life: I'm a Serial Monogamist.
I read somewhere that a man knows when you're someone he wants to be with, vs someone he wants to play around with. And that he acts/treats you accordingly. Sort of like how women know immediately upon meeting a guy whether or not they'd let him hit. Mmm hmm. Lol.
And these things make perfect sense to me. But I feel like...idk. Ive been struggling with the realization that I'm a serial monogamist. I don't ever really have guys that I just "talk to" or whatever,  I'm either in a relationship with someone, or I'm completely single.
Until now.
I'm trying to do the whole "talking" thing...and I don't feel like its for me. It's fun and all, but I feel like I need more. In the back of my mind it gives me this lingering question of "What am I missing?"...What is it about me that isn't good enough?
Call me crazy, naive, insecure, or whatever. I'm a work in progress. But I like titles. I like exclusivity. I like acknowledgment of the fact that I'm the only woman who makes you feel warm tingly fuzzy shit when you think of her. Not having those things is a slight struggle for me, mainly because I'm so used to having them. I've always been "claimed", lol and that's kinda all I know when it comes to relations & relationships. It's a necessary contrast to my usual, though. So I told myself I would just let things develop and see how they progress. That's probably going to be a lot harder than it sounds....but easy gets boring. 

Delayed Rebound.

I feel like this is the only term that comes into mind when I reflect on my BRIEF most recent relationship...(not THAT one, another one's bitten the dust since then)...
It's a sad realization, but it's something that I need to acknowledge for what it is. I could apologize, because you can't play with someone's heart that way. Especially knowing they feel a certain way about you. 
But I think we might be past the point of apologies.
Too many hurtful things have been done and said now.
I knew going into this situation with him that in my heart of hearts, it wasn't what I wanted. HE wasn't what I wanted. But I dove in anyway, trying to build off of the familiarity of him. 
That was unfair.
But sometimes you fool yourself into thinking that what's familiar is what's best for you. Familiar KNOWS you. Familiar wouldn't hurt you. Familiar is SAFE.
I put logic first because putting emotion first hasn't yielded any desirable results for me thus far.
That was really fucking stupid.
But that chapter is closed, for good this time. Second time was not the charm. Familiar was not safe. In fact, familiar was on more bullshit than I could have ever imagined.
So we move on.
There just might be a new Sherriff in town ^_^

Shuffle Post 11/24

So I have this thing. It's grown into somewhat of a compulsion actually lol. But every time I wake up, I have to start a new shuffle on my phone's music library. I almost feel like something bad might happen if I don't. I do this every time I get into my car, as well. It's weird. But whatever. 
Anyway, the thing is...I love to really listen to the first song that plays in the shuffle. I feel like that song has some kind of meaning for coming up first on that particular day. 

Today my first song is "Woman Like Me" by the Creole Queen herself (Mrs. Carter if ya nasty). Now I loves me some Bey. This songs has been a fave of mine for awhile, because it's reminiscent of how I feel when I start feeling a guy lol. I'll just post my fave verse.
"Do you think
You could fall for a Woman Like Me...?
'Cause I find it hard to trust
And I need too much
And I really don't believe in love, no no...
Do you think
That I could be the girl of your dreams?
Sometimes I don't let things go,
I get emotional...
And sometimes I'm just out of CONTROL..."

So. It's Been Awhile (again) Lol

But I always come back to this place.
My blog is like that old friend who, no matter how long you go without speaking, when you see each other again you can't help the need to fill each other in. 
Catch up. 
Restore bonds.
I stepped away from blogging for quite some time, for various reasons. One, being my slight obsession with twitter. I mean, I'm lazy. Who wants to write long drawn out emotional posts when I can just get my point across 140 snippy characters at a time? Lol. Another reason...? I've been on this journey of re-learning how to just live. I think that blogs and tweets are just a textual performance...but not everything needs an audience, I believe. And I felt myself forgetting that, so I've actually stepped away from my twitter for awhile. I'm GiGi. And as much as @LovePeaceCurls is a part of me, I'm so much more. 

I find myself making conscious efforts throughout each day, to think about what I want, vs what I think people want to see me do. In some ways I think I still feel broken, and I stopped trusting myself to know/determine what's good for me. But it's time for things to change.
It's almost 9am, and I've been up since about 5am. I was sound asleep and I got this urge to just look outside. So that's what I did. I bundled up. I went out on the front porch, and then I got cold so I got into my car lol. And I just watched. I watched the sun. The birds. The squirrels playing in the leaves that I'm sure I'll end up raking today. I watched random people walking to/from who-knows-where. I watched because I tend to overlook a lot of things. So I'm re-learning to sit back and just...see. It's fascinating what you can see when you focus your eyes.


Related Posts with Thumbnails