Relapse? ♥

For the past couple hours, I've had Erykah Badu's "Green Eyes" on repeat....It's always been one of my favorites, but for some reason, when it came up in my shuffle earlier, I just felt the need to turn repeat on. For anyone who's ever listened to it, the song is composed of 3 movements. Denial, Relapse, and Acceptance..... The Relapse movement is speaking to my soul right now....seriously...Especially these first few lines:
"I'm insecure....
But I can't help it...
My mind says move on...
But my heart lags behind...
I don't love you anymore,
I'm so insecure, 
Never knew that love did this...."
I feel...EXACTLY like this right now...
Out of nowhere, I just had some type of mid-twenties crisis, and I felt like screaming...and throwing shit...and breaking shit...and just....spazzing the fuck out, for lack of a better verb! But I can't do I decided to write....I want so badly to just move on...Lord knows I do. And the reason this song is speaking to me right because I truly feel that battle between mind and heart...I think I'm just acknowledging it for the first time. My mental self is soooo over this shit. I know for a fact that I don't want this relationship back. My emotional self, however, is on some whole other shit. She's trippin.....She's the one who WILL NOT let go completely....and I feel like crying out for help, but I just...can't. I feel like if it's so easy to mentally get over something, why shouldn't I be able to do it emotionally as well?? I don't sit around thinking "Oh my gosh, I miss him...I wish we were back together"....I sit around thinking about how I want him to hurt...and suffer...and wonder. Because that's what I was left to do. I guess this is what happens when you don't have closure? 
It's been over 4 months. I haven't removed one picture from the frames in my living room....I haven't deleted him from FB...Haven't deleted our pics from FB...which people are STILL commenting on (smh)... I haven't gotten rid of the box full of letters, pictures, artwork, movie stubs, and other random shit I save....I just can't let go. Why?? 
And I know that at some point I need to do these things...and people still come to my apartment, and see the pictures on the wall & shelf, and give me this sideways look...but they don't say anything. It's almost like if I get rid of all these things, it'll be too permanent....and I feel like I need to do them in my own time. Then I sit back and think...for him, it's already permanent! I was ALWAYS in his corner...even if he was on some stupid shit that I didn't agree with. I'd state my objection, but still offer my support. I was a dope ass girlfriend. Loyal to a fault. For years! Even after all I did...all I put into 'Us', he's moved on and never looked back. Not once. So why can't I? 
I thought I was past this point.

1 comment:

  1. as usual, we're on the same page! it took me a long time to deal with anything that reminded me of TB. and even still, most of what i dealt with willingly were things that i stumbled upon. i'm constantly dealing with this tug of war between my heart and my mind. sometimes they play tricks on me and they're both on the same side.
    you just have to take it one day at a time. setbacks will come, i've had many. but somehow, we're always farther than where we started when we look back. one day you'll get to the point where you can be comfortable with the permanency, because you know there's no way you'll get back with him. me on the other hand, we're all fucked up in the game! lmao. i don't know, one day it'll feel right. the crazy thing is, we just don't know when that's going to happen.



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