Relapse? ♥

For the past couple hours, I've had Erykah Badu's "Green Eyes" on repeat....It's always been one of my favorites, but for some reason, when it came up in my shuffle earlier, I just felt the need to turn repeat on. For anyone who's ever listened to it, the song is composed of 3 movements. Denial, Relapse, and Acceptance..... The Relapse movement is speaking to my soul right now....seriously...Especially these first few lines:
"I'm insecure....
But I can't help it...
My mind says move on...
But my heart lags behind...
I don't love you anymore,
I'm so insecure, 
Never knew that love did this...."
I feel...EXACTLY like this right now...
Out of nowhere, I just had some type of mid-twenties crisis, and I felt like screaming...and throwing shit...and breaking shit...and just....spazzing the fuck out, for lack of a better verb! But I can't do I decided to write....I want so badly to just move on...Lord knows I do. And the reason this song is speaking to me right because I truly feel that battle between mind and heart...I think I'm just acknowledging it for the first time. My mental self is soooo over this shit. I know for a fact that I don't want this relationship back. My emotional self, however, is on some whole other shit. She's trippin.....She's the one who WILL NOT let go completely....and I feel like crying out for help, but I just...can't. I feel like if it's so easy to mentally get over something, why shouldn't I be able to do it emotionally as well?? I don't sit around thinking "Oh my gosh, I miss him...I wish we were back together"....I sit around thinking about how I want him to hurt...and suffer...and wonder. Because that's what I was left to do. I guess this is what happens when you don't have closure? 
It's been over 4 months. I haven't removed one picture from the frames in my living room....I haven't deleted him from FB...Haven't deleted our pics from FB...which people are STILL commenting on (smh)... I haven't gotten rid of the box full of letters, pictures, artwork, movie stubs, and other random shit I save....I just can't let go. Why?? 
And I know that at some point I need to do these things...and people still come to my apartment, and see the pictures on the wall & shelf, and give me this sideways look...but they don't say anything. It's almost like if I get rid of all these things, it'll be too permanent....and I feel like I need to do them in my own time. Then I sit back and think...for him, it's already permanent! I was ALWAYS in his corner...even if he was on some stupid shit that I didn't agree with. I'd state my objection, but still offer my support. I was a dope ass girlfriend. Loyal to a fault. For years! Even after all I did...all I put into 'Us', he's moved on and never looked back. Not once. So why can't I? 
I thought I was past this point.

Current Musical Mood. ♥

"When we were together, you told me what you didn't like, then you went out and found exactly the type....
She can't hold you like I can....boy, you're a fool if you can't realize what you had....
She can't feel you like I can...'cause I'm a girl who's always standing by my man...."
--Destiny's Child; "She Can't Love You"; The Writing's On the Wall. 

Inspired By CY ♥

I've been catching up on some of you guys' blogs...and as always, they inspire new posts from me!
As I was popped in on my boo Cristine's latest post, this portion jumped out at me (literally and emotionally lol): 
"I'm happy. I'm content in my space, and I'm content being in my space by myself..."
This is eXACTLY how I feel right now, at this point in my life. I couldn't have said it better. 
It's funny, because I was just trying to explain this to a co-worker earlier, when we got on the subject of breakups. People expect me to be in a way worse headspace than I'm in, and some don't truly believe me when I tell them that I Am Fine. Yes, I have my moments, but my overall mood and psyche are not wrapped up in any other human being. I think this is what helped me get to this point so quickly....I can say, honestly and wholeheartedly, that I'm happy being single right now. If given the opportunity, I don't know if I would rekindle anything with CB. I know some like to throw out that "Never Say Never" shit...but truthfully? I'm NOTHING if not proud...and my pride was severely hurt.  I don't think we'd be able to move past this. And that's not to sound bitter.... I wish him a speedy recovery, and all the success in the world. But I know in my heart of hearts that what we had is gone. And I'm still here! Still fabulous. Still dope. Still whippin' my hurr....ALL that! Lol! Because like Cristine says... #WeDoesThis!!! 


Catch-up time....
OK, so there's been a shitload of things going on since I last blogged. I've gotten a couple irate texts & FB messages about my lack of posting lately (side-eye) so I guess I'll get off my ass and write something.
Well...actually, I'm sitting on my ass, with my laptop...but you get the picture. 

Work has been going pretty well...I took a much-needed mini vacation a couple weeks ago. Nothing fancy...I just went home to Cleveland. But I hadn't been home, or had any time off from work period, since December when I the break was welcomed. I just needed to get away for a hot second. I came back and immediately had some miserable cold/sinus infection hybrid....but now I'm feeling better lol!

Yeah...about that. Lol.
So by now I'm sure you all know the whole breakup story....and that CB and I haven't spoken since, to this day. Well a couple weeks ago, his mom informed me that he passed out, and ended up having to have a brain, on his brain and shit....yeah. It kinda threw me for a loop, because his mom has kept in touch with me since the breakup, but we don't really talk about him. Ever. So when she told me this, I'm like "wait, What?" 
He's ok, by the way. Surgery went fine without complications. He's going through physical therapy, to help him walk again...but geez. And of course my mind was all in overdrive...I initially knew something was wrong because I kept seeing FB posts about "pray for him" and all that...but I was hesitant to ask his mom, because...well, I felt like it just wasn't my place, you know? But I was kinda bullied into asking by a few friends and co-workers, who all agreed that yes, if you spent all those years with someone, it's okay to ask about possibly life-threatening events. So I asked...and I was told. It shook me up...but I was just glad that things weren't worse than they could have been. I still haven't spoken to him (and probably won't)...and I'm ok with this. I sent my well-wishes, and I've heard that his girlfriend his been by his side every step of the way. Good for him.

Moving on...there's this guy... -__-
Lol. But it's not really a "thing". Just a know? But I kinda like him. I might share more later....We'll see where it goes. And even if it doesn't go anywhere far...for right now, it's a thing that makes me happy ;-) and that's much-needed. 

Also, I think I'm getting to that point in life where I'm noticing that EVERYONE around me is all settling down and whatnot. I have 3 best friends... One is married, with a son. One just had a daughter, and has been with her man for over 4 years (they met shortly after CB and I started dating)...and my other best friend is off and on with her guy for over 2 years. They're kinda messy, but they're working on it. And it's crazy, because I've always been on that end of the spectrum. The "coupled up" now I'm just sitting back...getting used to life on the opposite end. I'll be 23 next month...and I feel like I still have this teenage mindset when it comes to dating because...well, I've always been in a relationship. I'm open to starting over, though. That's the thing I was most afraid of at first...but there's nowhere to go but forward. It's summer, though. I've heard that no one wants girlfriends this time of year, anyway lol. So I've got time to get my life together! Haha! Wish me luck! 


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