Things went from pretty much amazing to horribly sad all in the blink of an eye, and I don’t know any other form of release, except to write. It’s about to get really personal.
SN: I’m thinking about making my blog private, only because I don’t want misinformed people misinterpreting the things I say on here… I have enough REAL drama of my own, I don’t need anyone else’s imaginary drama. But anywho…
What I’m feeling right now can only be described as a toxic mixture of sadness, betrayal, disappointment, curiosity, fear, embarrassment, and just…loss. It’s kinda cliché, but I feel like a part of me has been taken away…like ripped out of me…and I feel like no one cares. It’s kinda crazy how you put your all into something, and expect it to turn out a certain way… you see the beauty, the potential, and the purity of it, and think that it’s solid…that nothing can ruin it, because it’s sacred…it’s real…it’s yours. Then you get this rude awakening, and nothing makes sense anymore.
There’s so much I have on my mind…so many feelings, so many questions…but I can’t bring myself to talk to a lot of people… I haven’t even sorted everything out in my own mind yet, so I can’t really relay my feelings to anyone else. Maybe writing this will help. I may not even post it, but I’ll just keep typing until I get it all out of me…and then see how I feel.
I love my best friends, but I can’t tell them what’s going on… why? Because the way I’m feeling and the way they’d react are NOT conducive to the outcome I’m hoping for…. I’ll backtrack for a second, and admit willingly that I don’t want it to be over… I don’t hate him. I can’t bring myself to… and believe me, I’ve tried. We have yet to speak since this whole thing came to light…So I don’t know any details of the situation…and until I can bring myself to hear his voice and get these answers, I don’t think I’ll ever truly know what to do. I guess that’s what people mean when they refer to Closure…..
But that being said, I haven’t bothered to tell too many people about the situation, because to explain it to them would mean I’d have to hear their reactions and I don’t even know what I want to do about the situation…so I don’t need any outside advice. I just need support in whatever steps I decide to take… the situation may not seem too delicate…but it’s delicate to me. I’ve never gone through this before, and I honestly never saw it coming. Not to be naïve and say I never believed it COULD happen…I just had so much genuine love and trust in this person, that I never thought it WOULD happen… does that make sense at all? IDK…. But anyway… In case any of you read this and wonder why I haven’t told you…please don’t think I’m excluding you or blocking you out in any way… I just need to keep my head as clear as possible for the moment…
It’s funny because my intentions were to attempt a reconciliation (again…smh) with a former friend, and instead I found two people who I can’t help but to care about…lying to me. So now I feel like the stupid one, and THAT’S the part that I can’t deal with… the fact that this is going on behind my back, from the person I’ve given my all to for over 4 years, and a person who clearly either hates me (or is completely indifferent towards me, which is worse than hate in my opinion) knew… I mean, the fact that she and I aren’t friends anymore means that I don’t expect anything along the lines of consideration and loyalty from her…I understand her not wanting anything to do with me, or the situation, because of what she THINKS I did to her….and that’s completely fine. The animosity is completely one-sided, because of a situation that was never addressed and/or resolved. And I can accept that as a loss. But understanding doesn’t lessen the pain. So here I am… intending to reconcile one relationship, and losing another… and all I can think about is how nothing will ever be the same….
I have much healing to do. The little advice/support I have received has been from unlikely sources, but I appreciate it nonetheless. Especially those who are on the outside looking in, and are more objective. Overall, the consensus has been that I need to plainly let him know how I’m feeling, and get the answers I need in order to move on, with or without him in my corner. I need to realize that I did nothing wrong, and that if this is meant to happen, it will. I never thought I’d be the girl capable of forgiving something like this, but in all honesty, I think I can…. And I mean truly forgive. Because I don’t consider the love I have for him some superficial, artificial, just-saying-it-because-it-sounds-pretty type of love. I put my soul into this relationship. Even before it WAS a relationship. And I don’t love him any less today than I did in September 2006 when I first admitted how I felt about him. If that makes me look/sound foolish, then so be it… If nothing else, I’ve learned (while being submerged in my thoughts these last couple days) that I can’t base my actions off of what other people are going to think of them… No one knows a relationship like the two people who are involved. Everyone else is just an outsider, getting bits and pieces of a huge picture. Am I ready to speak to him yet? I don‘t know. I don’t think I can even hear his voice yet, without breaking down. But hopefully that will change. Do I forgive him? I don’t know. I don’t even have all the information necessary to know whether I’m going left, right, up, or down…but I’m willing to forgive. The only thing I’m absolutely positively sure about…is that I love him. And even if I never speak to him again, that won’t change.