It's funny that the Letter to my Parents fell on today (August 16th). Before I start, I'd like to wish my late mother a Happy 44th Birthday. This post is going to be dedicated solely to her, and I'll write a continuation for my Daddy.♥
I miss you so much more than I'll ever be able to find words to express...If I could just see your face, or hear your voice one more time, I'd be set. At least then I'd know to cherish the view/sound as though it were my last. Because I didn't know, two years ago, that it would be.
There are so many things that I wish I could share with you, and tell you in this letter, and feel with you. It's your birthday, which is usually already rough enough for me, so I don't think I can handle getting too deep into the letter today. But who knows, writing has always been therapeutic for me. So we'll just see where the letter goes...I'm happy for you, because watching you live in pain took more out of me than I realized. So now, if everything I was raised to believe is true, you're in Heaven, looking and feeling like a million bucks...no more chemo, no more radiation...just enjoying your healthy Heavenly body. So I have to lean on faith, because if nothing else, I have to believe that when you left me, you went to this magical place in the sky, where God is taking care of you until we all meet again. I need faith in that, in order to get me through everyday life here on Earth.
I miss your voice, and your smile, even your frown. I know there was a period where you and I just couldn't get along, and it took a lot of maturing (and psych classes) for me to understand why...I see so much of you in myself, it's kind of uncanny. So I realize that at the time, you saw yourself in me as well, and maybe the arguments and fussing were just a way for you to try and keep me from making mistakes you'd made at my age. And it's okay...I no longer hold onto all the negative things that happened between us. I've let them go.
When you were sick, I was here in college, and I felt this animosity...this guilt... in the back of my mind for SO long, that I should have left school. I should have been there. You don't know what I would have given to see your face every morning, while it was still here for me to see...its bittersweet, though, because seeing you in constant medication-managed pain everyday could have taken an even worse toll on me, than not being there at all. So I guess God really does work in mysterious ways. You made me promise to stay in school, and I did...I did it all for you, to make you proud. I can feel you, too. It's weird, because I really can feel your presence. I used to think that was cliche for people to say after they'd lost someone. I've felt you with me every morning when I wake up, and every step of the way, and I know you'll be there with me on December 18th when Graduation Day finally marks the culmination of all OUR hard work over the past 22 years. You'll be with me on my wedding day, and with me when I become a mother...and hopefully you'll still guide my decisions and actions even from the heavenly couch you're up there relaxing on. So again, Happy Birthday, Mommy. I love you to the end of time and back...♥
♥At a Glance...♥
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