Final Chapter ♥

My philosophy for a long time has been this: If you can't talk about it, write about it...
WARNING: This isn't gonna be a happy, perky little post. So if you mind my temporary morbidity, this is your cue.
Anyway, I'm currently taking a course called Lifespan Developmental PSY, and naturally since this is the end of the session, our final chapter of discussion today was on death and dying. It was pretty rough, and had I glanced at my printed out Powerpoint notes ahead of time, I'd have been more prepared for what was to come...but alas, I guess I like the element of surprise, as I never read them until we're going over them in class. 
A few interesting topics came up, and had I been able to put my own issues to the side, I think I may have contributed a lot more to the discussion. Death isn't really something people like to talk about, so the "discussion" was pretty much one-sided, with my professor speaking the majority of the time. One of the topics that kind of irritated yet intrigued me...was the issue that some say spouses grieve more for a dying spouse than children grieve for a parent. Yes, you read correctly, but I'll give you a moment to re-read that statement for clarification.
Imagine my irritation... 
This is where I finally had to clear the throat up and speak...since no one else wanted to. 
For those who aren't aware, I lost my mother to colon cancer 2 years ago. She was diagnosed extremely late, and 7 months post-diagnosis, she passed away. Since then, a number of times I've had people ask me how do you get over the loss so sorta makes me want to slap people. I'm not over losing my mother. I'll never be 'over' it. When I think about the moment I was lying in my dorm, and woke up to that phone call from my mother...the pain is still just as fresh as it was on February 4, 2008. I remember the exact words, my exact reaction, and other things about that day, that I'd rather not go into. Point being, this isn't something you just 'get over'. And after I lose the urge to introduce my hands to someone's face, I realize that perhaps they really don't mean any harm. To the outsider, it may appear as though I've "gotten over" my mother's death. I go through each day, laughing and smiling, carrying on conversations about random things, and just living my life...but I do all this out of necessity, not passivity. I have to find ways to keep busy, and move forward, because if I take a few moments and let my mind wander to the point of missing my mother, I'll feel incapacitated.... I'll be allowing myself to break down, and experience those feelings I felt two years ago as my 14 year old brother and I pulled the blanket thingy over my mother's face before her casket was closed...and that, as touching as it was for other people, is NOT a moment I like to relive. That is not the state of mind I want to be in... so I live. I laugh. I love... and I do all this, knowing that it's what keeps me sane. It's what helps me sleep at night, without waking up thinking I hear my mom in the shower getting ready for work...or her music playing from the dining room...or her keys jingling when she walks in the door.
Back to my point... 
I just feel like grief is kind of a blanket term. I don't believe on relative would mourn a person's death any more than another relative...I think there are different things being grieved. I lost my mother...the person who carried me, gave birth to me, taught me, guided me, tried to keep me from life's mistakes...I lost that. But my loss isn't any more important than my grandmother's, who lost her first child; or my daddy's, who lost the woman he'd been loving since they were in the single age digits. We all lost one person, but we lost many different father doesn't know how I feel each day. His mother, my beautiful grandma, is alive and well...just a phone call away. I don't know how he feels...I don't have anyone I've loved romantically for over 4 decades. There are so many ties that bind us to one another, and when those ties are broken, people can sympathize all they want, but nothing compares unless you've experienced the same loss. 
So...yeah, that's all. I know it's pretty long, but it's what I needed to get off my chest. If you made it this far, thanks for reading lol 

Untitled. ♥

" deserve the label, but you've been hurt before so you're sore and don't feel you're able..." --Wale {Diary} ♥

So anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm hopelessly addicted to this song...I just love it. By far my favorite Wale joint ever. Marsha Ambrosious killed it too. Anyway...I'm listening to this as I type, with the volume as high as it'll go...on repeat...and it's just got me thinking about so much stuff...not necessarily personal stuff. Just in general...How many of us know someone who's let past relationships negatively affect our present relationships {or potential relationships}? A lot, right? My heart hurts for that person who isn't willing to let love back into his/her life, all because they let it in before and someone left them damaged...experience has shown us that usually it's easier to break something than it is to repair it...why would the heart be any different? It's so bad that it's gotten to a point where younger generations are being raised by bitter, damaged single parents...and are being taught not to believe in love in the first place, all because of the possibility of being hurt...On one hand, I can understand a parent's desire to keep any and all types of harm away from their children...but how can we know what joy feels like if we've never been exposed to pain? 
I'm also thinking about how people have this cycle...and half the time, they don't even realize it. We choose partners who either possess traits that we are used to being exposed to, or the opposite. Whether positive or negative...sometimes we're too used to something to objectively decide it's bad for us. Other times, we realize what's unhealthy, and aim for the furthest thing from it...but when every person you enter a relationship treats you the same way, or every relationship has the same're engaging in a cycle. I think about so many people I know who jump from one partner to the next, and in the end everything turns out all bad...reinforcing the assumption that all men/women "aint shit"...but if trial and error doesn't teach you to modify your standards...aren't you partially to blame? It just seems as though those of use who have been hurt have a tendency to prejudge every subsequent person who approaches us...and rejecting those people {because you think all men/women ain't shit} could very well lead them to believe that all men/women ain't shit as they'll go on to treat their next partner like crap...virtually just one big presumptuous, prejudiced domino effect...and all because we don't want to hurt. It's easier to hurt others than to let ourselves succumb to being the victim. It's quite the phenomenon, actually...
It's not only something that affects our interpersonal relationships... it affects self-esteem, as well. Being hurt has a tendency to make people think they deserved what happened to them...or caused it. That they don't deserve better. I think this is the reason for the whole cycle...why else would one continuously put their self in the position to be hurt?


it goes a mighty long way...
Working at the mall, I see a LOT of foolishness...but this past week a woman came into my store, and I swear to you she was sporting a full face of hair. The sideburns connected to the beard. The beard connected to the goatee. All that. Not faint little hairs, either...I'm talking full grown hair. I was in disbelief...I had to call on Jesus and all the disciples to keep my mouth from dropping as I greeted the woman when she entered my store. BTW, she also had on a too little shirt from Wally world, complete with the belly hanging out over the pants...but that was the least of her worries, as far as I'm concerned. 
What shocked me even more than all this....
A few seconds later her husband came in and put his arms around her and started talking to her. Her husband! He didn't look to hot himself...but geez. Both beards combined just seems like a whole lotta itchy fuzziness in one bed...I can't even imagine.
So this made me think...How many guys really care about hair? Facial hair...body hair...I just can't imagine being...okay with this. I can see not feeling like shaving your pits one morning...or even your legs, during the winter or something...but I've never seen a woman with facial hair so visible... She apparently isn't too worried about it, though, and neither is her man. It was all just pretty weird to me lol...

A Little Glimpse...♥

I saw this on another blog, and decided to fill it out...because I love random you don't, click the 'Back' button now lol...

50 Things You Should Know About Me!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 
♥ 9 bladder wakes me up at approximately this time EVERY morning. SMH.

2. How do you like your steak?
♥ I don't.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
♥ Robin Hood... ugh. Boyfriend wanted to see it...def not my cup of tea...

4. What is your favorite TV show?
♥ It's definitely a tie between Criminal Minds and Grey's Anatomy...which you guys probably know lol.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
♥ Chicago... (or Homewood, IL...the suburb my boyfriend lives in). I love it there! Midwest girl 4 life...

6. What did you have for breakfast?
♥ Nothing

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
♥ I love pretty much all things Italian.

8. What foods do you dislike? or rather don't prefer?
♥ Mediterranean...I just can't get with it. Also, sushi...the thought of it makes my stomach turn.

9. Favorite place to eat?
♥ The Melting Pot!! Pricey {if you go alone}, but very chic and tasty.

10. Favorite dressing?
♥ Hidden Valley Ranch

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
♥ Mazda Protege

12. What are your favorite clothes?
♥ I love summery, flowy dresses. Anything with leopard print will probably tickle my fancy.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
♥ Anywhere in Europe...just to get a different taste of life.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
♥ Half empty...but it's my job to fill it up all the way!

15. Where would you want to retire?
♥ Somewhere cool, but not cold. Warm, but not hot... Quiet... know any places?

16. Favorite time of day?
♥ Getting home from work and/or school, and being able to just relax.

17. Where were you born?
♥ Cleveland, OH

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
♥ None of them...

22. People watcher?
♥ Dude...I'm a psych major. Lol.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
♥ Both...

24. Do you have any pets?
♥ I have 5 year old orange tabby {cat} named Monty. He work's my NERVES but I love 'im.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
♥ I just got a promotion at Torrid last week...and I'm happy. I truly adore my job. Also, my birthday is next month. YaY.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
♥ A veterinarian...until I learned that the animals might just die, and that you might just have to cut them open and see their insides... yeah, I'll pass.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
♥ Being free...riding my bike up and down the street {my maternal and paternal families actually lived about 5 houses apart. Amazing!}

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
♥ Cat. Dogs are nasty, and un-potty trained. And loud.

29. Are you married? 
♥ Not yet. Degrees, Marriage License, Birth that order.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
♥ About 99% of the time.

31. Been in a car accident?
♥ One. Wasn't my fault...but thank God I ain't to cool for the safe belt.

32. Any pet peeves?
♥ Oh GOSH. You don't EVEN want to get me started...that's a whole post or three in itself.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
♥ Sausage and mushrooms.

34. Favorite Flower?
♥ Gerbera daisies!

35. Favorite ice cream?
♥ Crap, I'm too lazy to look in my freezer but it's this. It's pretty much awesome.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
♥ Arby's... only for the loaded potato bites.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
♥ Once...ugh, because of a freakin' rolling stop. I mean, no one here can drive any damn way, so WTF. Lol.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
♥ I think my daddy and/or my stepmom

39. What store would you max out your credit card?
♥ Torrid! 

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
♥ I just bought my first Coach bag... I usually don't even like Coach bags {I'm more of a Dooney girl} but this was a must have...

41. Like your job?
♥J'adore Torrid!

42. Broccoli?
♥ That's coo'

43. What was your favorite vacation?
♥ Spring Break with my love earlier this year...hehehe

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
♥ My best friend, and some amazing coworkers of hers that have become my friends too.

45. What are you listening to right now?
♥ The musical stylings of the White boys who live in the apt below me, and think they can rap.

46. What is your favorite color?

47. How many tattoos do you have?
♥ Four.

48. What do you like to do when nobody else is around?
♥ I dance in the mirror, ALL the time...and on runway-worthy songs, I put on heels and model-walk around the house. Lol...

49. Favorite Movie?
The Silence of the Lambs.

50. Coffee drinker?

♥ Occasionally.


I'm guessing a lot of you have thought of these things before, but there are certain questions that run through my mind every now and then, when it comes to blogging....
Why do people blog?
I mean, is it just something to pass the time during a 9-to-5? 
Where do you blog? At home, at work? Starbucks? In class while your professor is lecturing?
Do you write what is important/interesting to you, or do you write things you thing will be important/interesting to readers? 
Do you tell people in your everyday life about your blog, or are your readers and/or followers people you've met in cyberspace?
Do you read and reply to comments people leave on your posts?
Do you comment on others' posts? 
Do you keep up with all the blogs you follow?
Do you follow blogs that pique your interest, or do you just follow blogs of those who follow your blog?
Is your blog really reflective of you, or is it some alternate reality for you to express things that people in your everyday life wouldn't understand?
Are you a lurker (read a bunch of blogs, but don't follow/follow anonymously or don't comment/comment anonymously)?

Yeah... I got a little carried away...but I always wonder these things...I don't follow many blogs, but the ones I follow are the ones that actually have interesting posts, and make me want to come back and view again. I used to follow any random blog, then I'd find myself getting to the point where I'd scroll through the list of new posts and skip past things...and why follow a blog if you're just adding it to a list of things you don't even read? I've had people stop following my blog because I didn't follow theirs...and that's fine with me. I mean, this blog is something I started because I'm a pretty random yet sometimes analytical person...and people around you don't really want to hear all that hoopla everyday. So this is a place where I can lay everything out exactly the way I want it, and write as much as I want, as often as I want...and anyone who takes time out of his/her day to sit and read it is welcome with open cyber arms... I think it's great to get a glimpse into the lives of people who live across the country, or across the world...or whatever. See how people in different environments live. You know...all that good stuff. Lol. 

I Know, I Know...♥

I've been neglecting my blog...and for that, I am sorry! I have good reason,
Promotion at work... This manager thing is pretty okay so far. Turnover for managers in my store is crazy, though...quitters. I'm nobody's quitter, though, so I think I'll be fine...the extra hours will motivate me. Lol.
Also, I've been borderline obsessed with my hair lately, and I've been spending my cyber life on I've been sans-relaxer for a year and a month now, and you'd think I'd be hip to all these natural hair blogs and websites already but...nope! So it's kind of like delayed infatuation... I'm just loving my hair. I mean, I always love it...but now I'm seeing what it's potential is gonna be, and all that corny stuff. It's fun.
I'm apartment hunting... this was okay for my first place, but it was a very last minute decision {read: I came up in July that year, to find an apt I needed to move into in August} so now I'm more clear about what I want and don't want in an apartment... I mean, if they're gonna take all my lil' funds, I need to be getting my money's worth. Right now, I'm not!
It's three weeks into the semester and I STILL don't have any financial aid. Life was much easier when I had my full scholarship...however, it was only good for 4 consecutive years, meaning it ended last semester...and now I see why everyone else complains so much about the office...I'm not used to having to worry about this mess.
Hmm...I think that's all for now. I need to clean, it's been a busy week but I hate my apt looking a mess. Even though no one's here but me and my cat...


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