Today was just one of those days for me...
I didn't feel like doing anything, or being bothered with anyone. 
I just wanted to be lost in my own thoughts...but not for too long.
Sometimes I feel like I have to put on this smile, and appear happy regardless of how I'm really feeling.
Call me crazy, but in a way, I feel like I do this for other peoples' sake more than for my own.
Looking at me, people wouldn't know that I dread waking up sometimes, because I know that when I see that picture on my dresser, it'll confirm the fact that this wasn't all a dream...that my Mommy is really gone. And she isn't coming back...She won't be at my graduation. My wedding. She won't be able to spoil my children....
Who wants other people to look at them, seeing all the pain...feeling sorry, but not knowing exactly what to say because...well...they haven't been there? How do I genuinely respond to a room full of happy people, who are all excited about getting home to their moms for the holiday? Mine isn't there anymore. I'm jealous. I'm hurting. It's no one else's fault, though. So I keep it to myself...Why put a damper on everyone else's holiday cheer...just because I don't have any? Alone in my head, there are so many things to get lost in...but I won't take anyone else along for the ride. No one should feel this way...


  1. This brought me to tears . . . I couldn't even begin to imagine what you are going though. I'm sure that your mom is in a better place, looking down on you, and being your guardian angel!!! I'm sure your mom would want you to be happy, even though sometimes that is easier said than down!!! I will keep you in my prayers :-)

  2. wow, i'm really sorry bella. i hope you continue to find the strength to wake up, and don't smile if you don't want to.

    hopefully i'm not passing my place in saying this but you look like your mommy.

    .kisses and good thoughts.

  3. Thank you so much, and I get that a LOT (you look like your mommy) and I definitely take it as thee highest compliment! I was told that whenever I'm missing my mommy I should just look in the mirror and I'll see her... I thought that was so sweet! And so true! :-)



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