Not Like Crazy.

It's physically exhausting to constantly put 100% into things, only to receive 50% in return.
I'm not really a "go through the motions" type of girl. When I'm in, I'm all in.
So when it comes to the love thing, I'm usually left in a state of bafflement. 
I'd like to think that I'm pretty low-maintenance. 
Attention (as needed).
Space (as needed).
These are the things that mean the most to me. The things that should be natural and fluid and pure. Everything else is just... stuff. Good stuff, bad stuff. But it's just stuff.
Sometimes it feels like we're so disconnected from the essentials that we're perfectly okay with diminishing love into this accumulation of stuff. Material things. Superficial things. We want to make it look pretty for others, and sound pretty when we tell our friends all about it... but how many of us are really letting ourselves FEEL? Most people won't ever know the pure peace and serenity that comes from letting one's heart open up, to allow a person to set up residence. Many people don't even have the capacity to do so... But once you've felt an all-consuming love, anything less just feels... pointless.

So I wait.

Everything Must Go.

The world is huge.

Literally... like, it's ridiculously large. 
And with that vast amount of space comes an insane number of inhabitants. 
It's so easy to feel like you're just a speck on a canvas called life...mostly because, are.
But that doesn't stop me from feeling like the brilliant, vibrant speck that I am. If there's nothing else I've picked up and carried with me through my life so far, it's the fact that we only get one shot here. And depending on your particular beliefs, you may feel that you'll continue after this life (as I do), but you're never going to get another chance to be who you are in this particular time and place. 
So why not make the most of it?
Yes, life has it's issues. We've got bills, and debts, and dependents, and ailments, and work stress, and family stress, and relationship stress, and everything else imaginable. 
But these things are only temporary. 
I refuse to let them hinder the way I float through life. Things that are tangible serve precise purposes during our stay on this earth...but the intangibles?? That's what I'm here for. 
I'm here for the love that surrounds me... it's more powerful and consuming than any hate, negativity, and animosity could ever be. 
I'm here for the music...because there is indeed a song for EVERY occasion.
I'm here for the laughter...because I'm a dork and I truly believe that laughter is good for the soul.
I'm here for all the things that we can't take with us.
Because ultimately,
Everything must go. 

Reverse Psychology.

I know what I want, in some cases. Other times I don't know, simply because I've yet to sit down and let myself honestly decide. But in those moments when I know? I knowww.
So it irks me when someone tries to manipulate me into doing/saying/feeling something that is simply benefitting THEM. Call it reverse psych, manipulation, or's all the same to me. Don't fuckin do it.
For example, a person will ask you for something, and you'll give a definite answer: No. Why? Because you've (hopefully) weighed out the pros and cons of this request, and decided that ultimately, the risks do not outweigh benefits, and your human need for self-preservation tells you "No". ....Now all of a sudden you're mean, you're evil, you're cold, you're heartless, and all these other things that you weren't until you said what this person didn't wanna hear.
In my experience, there are two reactions to being called mean, evil, etc after declining someone's request. 
1) The "Oh, Baby...Don't Go!" One
I see this as someone who aims to please and impress at all times. If they even THINK someone is going to be upset with them in any way, they'll change up that decision they made as fast as lightning. This is the PERFECT patsy when it comes to a master manipulator. 
2) The "Oh, Word?" One
This person can see things for what they really are. They're less likely to fall for the manipulator's bullshit, because of their ability to make and stand by decisions. Either you're gonna roll with it, and conduct yourself accordingly...or you just gonna roll. Simple.
I classify myself as the "Oh, word?" type, if that isn't obvious by now lol. Because what you're NOT about to do is play my emotions like a violin to get what you want. I've been told that I put logic before emotion...and you're damned right. Its my choice, and my defense mechanism against making choices that don't protect my best interests. If I don't protect me, who will? Surely not someone who's foolish enough to try using reverse psychology on a psychology graduate.

Blurred Lines

I don't believe that interracial dating should still be as hot of a topic as it is...

I mean... any relationship that's formed and built on sincere love is already winning. Skin is skin. Race is race. Why do we sit and look at the outer packaging on people's relationships, and have the audacity to dive in head first with assumptions? I'm a firm believer in the fact that love transcends all the superficial boundaries that we try to impose on it. We look at an interracial couple and immediately see two separate pieces... instead of the single unit that they represent. Why?

I will admit, there is one thing I take issue with. That's the men/women who not only decide to date outside their race, but who then commence to tell you how they do it because people within their race {enter generalized insult here}. 

And we've all heard it before. Most notably for me?

Black man: "I date White women because Black women are too bossy/loud/ghetto/nagging/etc."

THAT's that shit I don't like.

I'm all for finding happiness with the person you fall in love with, build a foundation with, and choose to pursue a life with. We owe it to ourselves to do JUST that. But there's no need to put down an entire group of people because of the quality of men/women YOU'VE previously been exposed to. 
I think this issue in itself is completely independent from the issue some people have with interracial dating. We like to mesh them together, but we fail to realize that our previous experiences have no bearing on the next person's relationship. What you've been through isn't always what the next person is going to go through. 

"I'll Get to Wherever You Are..."

I went to the movies with Dorkface last month and saw The Best Man Holiday (which I loved, of course) but I was even more in love with the soundtrack!
More specifically, I fell in absolute LOVE with the song "Shelter" by John Legend.

It's such a beautiful song, and it makes me think about the concept of soul mates... I'm still questioning my belief in them. Whether or not they exist. If so, are we only allotted one in a lifetime? 
If you find your soulmate, and then lose them, is it always destined that you'll find your way back to them? 
Is a soulmate always romantic? 
Can a platonic friend be a soulmate?
I have so many questions...
Whatever the answers hold, I do know that this song is something like what I think soulmates signify. Some people are simply drawn together over lifetimes, and there has to be some explanation. Right?

"Look over your shoulder....I'm never too far....I'll get to wherever you are."

12:36 AM

"I do not feel the fear of falling...
I wanna fly.
If it all goes well, then I will...
...but what if I don't?"

I Wanna Get to Know Ya...

I've never been one for resolutions... but for the last few years, I've found myself reflecting during this time of year. Reflecting over the year that's coming to an end... what worked for me, so I can keep it up & improve on it. What didn't work, so I can leave that shit behind.
The latter half of this year has shown me a happiness that I had not seen in quite awhile. I'm 25 now, and I'm beginning to look at some things and how they are situated in the Big Picture that I know as my life. One thing I've noticed is my lack of desire to impress.

I've always been the "goody-goody". This stems from childhood, as I remember always aiming to please. I always wanted to be the good kid, and was rewarded for this quite often via gifts, compliments from teachers, church members, extended family, etc. So of course, I kept it up. This followed me right into adulthood, though, and only recently have I realized that somewhere along the line, my "aim to please" mentality has diminished.

I'm not going to say the mentality is gone completely. When it comes to my work ethic, I definitely still like to put my best foot forward at all times... taking on special tasks, volunteering overtime...these are things I do not only for accolades and bonuses, but because I genuinely enjoy contributing. 

But when it comes to relationships, I've began to see that I've been making a crucial mistake. One that I had to take several steps back to see a little more clearly. I've realized that it's ingrained in me to be what I've always seen as a "good girlfriend". I haven't been in a lot of relationships...I can count them all on one hand. I'm currently single (well...that's a whole 'nother post), so obviously those relationships all ended for one reason or another. But in the end, I've always been left asking myself what I did wrong.

Then it dawned on me... 

I've spent my time trying to be the girl I thought men wanted... instead of being myself. 
There's a part of me that's been reaching out to the surface (a surface which is covered by somewhat inadvertent attempts to be perfect, because who leaves the perfect girlfriend??). In my mind, I've always rationalized this by believing that if I'm everything my man wants and needs, he's going to always stay around. It didn't matter if what he wanted and needed compromised the 'Me' that I wanted to be.

The problem is, after doing this for so long, it becomes difficult to recognize who you are. You're used to playing a role now. So who you're actually meant to BE is pushed aside, while you remain in character. Now this is juxtaposed with me pretty much spending my whole transition into adulthood (age 17 to 21) in a relationship with the same person. I've never had time to sit back and get to know me. Until now. Although I am seeing someone, I'm also becoming committed to learning GiGi. I'm listening to her. I'm treating her to the things she wants. I'm loving up on her the way she should be loved up on, so that she knows what to command when she's ready for another exclusive relationship. 
I'm paying attention to who GiGi is as a person, and getting to know the pretty & not-so-pretty aspects of her personality. I'm genuinely no longer interested in playing a role to impress someone just to get them to stay around. I'm moreso realizing that being true to me, and appreciating those who enjoy being around ME is more rewarding.

So if I were to make any type of resolution, it would be continue this. Why? Because I've realized that self-awareness is essential to developing dope character and shit.


I feel like I have to detach myself, before love is snatched away from me. Because inevitably, it always gets snatched away.
Which poses the question: Was something so easily taken, really ever meant for me at all?
With every incident, I feel like I lose a little more of my faith in the L word. It's not completely gone...but it's hanging on by a flimsy thread.
For once, I'd like something that's free. Unwavering. Unconditional. Something that's just for me. 
Something that's permanent.
Something that I don't have to fight for...
Because I'm so tired of fighting.
And I don't have any fight left.

Pieces of Me.

I'm learning.
Which I guess is always a good thing.
But I feel like the pain that accompanies some of life's lessons is too much to bear sometimes.
I'm torn between numbness and excruciating pain...and I don't know which one hurts more.
It's like...I feel like every time I let someone in, when (not if) they leave, they take a piece of me with them...
And I don't think I have that many pieces left.


At this point in my life, I'm craving acknowledgement. It's something that I need, maybe as a meal for my ego. A security blanket. I don't know...I just need it.
Insecurity creeps in when you've been through certain situations that leave you with a feeling of loss, and no closure. I'm in a bad headspace because I feel that this is contradictory to my usual secure, self-sufficient attitude. Then that makes me the insecurity something that's REALLY representative of who I am? Is the uber secure, self-sufficient attitude just something I present as a defense mechanism? I feel like looking into myself and not being afraid of self-reflection is very necessary...yet very frightening. But as always, that's what my writing helps me do. I start with a one word focus point, and I just write. I purge. I get out everything that I can, because I love the feeling I get once im done. It's kinda like when you're sick, and throwing up is the ONLY thing that makes you feel better...even though it SUCKS.
 So naturally I've realized that I have a problem with bottling up emotions lol. This post is all over the place. I have no idea where it's going to take me. It's already so long, and I have so much more to purge. I could probably go through and break this down into 7 separate posts, but hey. Whatever. AintNobodyGotTimeFaDat.
But really. I've been thinking about my tendency to bottle up emotions, and I feel that, with many people in my life, I'm afraid to speak certain emotions into existence. Acknowledging this is EXTREMELY difficult, but its a very big step for me. Ultimately, I know that I'll never resolve this if I don't address it full on. As a child, I was raised primarily by my late mother, and her mother. Looking back, I never really had emotion-laced discussions with my mother. There was always a disconnect in that department, and I couldn't understand why. Its the thing that I regret most in life, as I didn't ultimately resolve this before my mom passed away in 2008. So it's something I feel will haunt me for a long time. I mean my mom loved me. She took care of me. Her actions usually assured me that, as her child, I was very valuable to her...but these words were hardly ever spoken. I couldn't tell you the number of times I heard "I love you" from her...Mostly because I can't remember them. I do know that I could probably count them on one hand. I remember attempting to open that door of discussion one day, and being brushed off. I was so sensitive to the perceived rejection that I never tried to step out on that limb again.  It wasn't until I became older that I realized, HER mother (my infamous granny)  is the same way. There's a pattern of stunted emotional growth, and it's weighed heavily on family dynamic. Even though I was raised in the household of maternal family, my father's family is the opposite. Very fun-loving, relaxed, open people. Emotionally available. And I've therefore always been drawn towards them more. It was very confusing as a child to endure those conflicting sets of feelings. As an adult, it hasn't gotten easier...the only difference is that I am now able to delve into those feelings. Comprehend them a little more.
Fast-forward, I feel myself facing the same conflict in my current....thing. I want to call it a relationship. But it isn't. Which is exactly what prompted this round of self-reflection and evaluation.
I feel that...things aren't what I want them to be, and that something is blocking me from speaking up, and making this known. I have brought up the issue to him, jokingly, because well...I'm passive like that apparently. I was shot down, which made me withdraw back from placing that issue on the table. I haven't brought it up since. So I guess the "something" blocking me is fear. 
I'm afraid of being shot down again.
I'm afraid of being vulnerable.
I'm afraid of being left.
I'm afraid of being judged.
I'm afraid of being rejected
I'm afraid to love, because...
I'm afraid of being hurt.

...I guess acknowledgement really is the first step to recovery.

Opening Pitch.

Happy New Year and shit....
I've never been one for resolutions, but as I get older there are some things that I  would love to start changing about myself. It's pure coincidence that I'm thinking of them today lol.

These are very general things, that I'm recently deciding I want to work on. Gradually, of course. 
1) I want to blog more! I've realized that with microblogging and things like twitter, I stopped actually writing, which is something that has always been so therapeutic for me.
2) I want to speak my mind more.
Better out than in. I've seen first-hand how pent up emotions can manifest into physical pain, stress, etc. Do not want.
3) I want to return to school.
After I earned my Bachelor's, I wanted to take a short break from school, to just...breathe. But I think I've become to complacent, and changes shall be made.

That's it. 

When the Smoke Clears.

I've heard people say that hindsight vision is 20/20. I've come to see this as true, at least in respect to MY life experiences. As good of an idea as something once seemed, in retrospect you realize that not only was it a stupid thing to do, but that there were flashing neon signs alerting you to the stupidity all along!
I'm thankful for that moment of clarity. When the smoke clears and you can see a situation for what it is? Without all hype and loudness and diversions? That's when epiphanies bring you back down to where you belong. That's something I look forward to. Sometimes we add so many supporting details to our story that we forget the main idea. 

Love is____________


beyond all these words.

The Little Things.

There are a few things that just make me happy, stuff that isn't even major in any way lol. 
Yesterday I went to Giant Eagle (the grocery store, in case they don't have those in your region/location) and got my absolute favorite teabags on sale two for $5 lol. I know there aren't many people who share my enthusiasm for Lipton's Mixed Berry Green Tea....and I'm okay with that.
I'm not sure if it's because I was having a somewhat pissy day yesterday or what...but at that moment all I wanted was my tea, and I mean who doesn't love a little sale price? Lol
I'm clearly old as hell at heart. And again, I'm okay with that.

Shuffle Post 11/25

I've been pretty sick today but my first song in this evening's shuffle is "Words" by Anthony David & India.Arie...
I love this song, its lyrics are just super real, the piano accompaniment is beautiful, and I think the two artists complement each other pretty well. 
It's hard to even pick a favorite part of the song, but there's one part that's always kinda jumped out at me:

"Got my mind made
I don't plan to leave...
'cause you are meant for me.
Simple, that may be...
Why be complex?
Loving you is so easy..."

The last couple lines hit home, I feel like sometimes we make love so complicated and...extra. And it really doesn't have to be. We impose so many rules and expectations on something that, in its purest form, should really be easy. We make it complicated because we don't allow love to develop and flourish on its own. We want it to fit a template that others have laid out, when really love isn't some one-size-fits-all type of deal. Sometimes it's unorthodox. Sometimes it's beyond explanation. And, well...Sometimes you just gotta let it be.

What the Fuck Am I Doing?

True Life: I'm a Serial Monogamist.
I read somewhere that a man knows when you're someone he wants to be with, vs someone he wants to play around with. And that he acts/treats you accordingly. Sort of like how women know immediately upon meeting a guy whether or not they'd let him hit. Mmm hmm. Lol.
And these things make perfect sense to me. But I feel like...idk. Ive been struggling with the realization that I'm a serial monogamist. I don't ever really have guys that I just "talk to" or whatever,  I'm either in a relationship with someone, or I'm completely single.
Until now.
I'm trying to do the whole "talking" thing...and I don't feel like its for me. It's fun and all, but I feel like I need more. In the back of my mind it gives me this lingering question of "What am I missing?"...What is it about me that isn't good enough?
Call me crazy, naive, insecure, or whatever. I'm a work in progress. But I like titles. I like exclusivity. I like acknowledgment of the fact that I'm the only woman who makes you feel warm tingly fuzzy shit when you think of her. Not having those things is a slight struggle for me, mainly because I'm so used to having them. I've always been "claimed", lol and that's kinda all I know when it comes to relations & relationships. It's a necessary contrast to my usual, though. So I told myself I would just let things develop and see how they progress. That's probably going to be a lot harder than it sounds....but easy gets boring. 

Delayed Rebound.

I feel like this is the only term that comes into mind when I reflect on my BRIEF most recent relationship...(not THAT one, another one's bitten the dust since then)...
It's a sad realization, but it's something that I need to acknowledge for what it is. I could apologize, because you can't play with someone's heart that way. Especially knowing they feel a certain way about you. 
But I think we might be past the point of apologies.
Too many hurtful things have been done and said now.
I knew going into this situation with him that in my heart of hearts, it wasn't what I wanted. HE wasn't what I wanted. But I dove in anyway, trying to build off of the familiarity of him. 
That was unfair.
But sometimes you fool yourself into thinking that what's familiar is what's best for you. Familiar KNOWS you. Familiar wouldn't hurt you. Familiar is SAFE.
I put logic first because putting emotion first hasn't yielded any desirable results for me thus far.
That was really fucking stupid.
But that chapter is closed, for good this time. Second time was not the charm. Familiar was not safe. In fact, familiar was on more bullshit than I could have ever imagined.
So we move on.
There just might be a new Sherriff in town ^_^

Shuffle Post 11/24

So I have this thing. It's grown into somewhat of a compulsion actually lol. But every time I wake up, I have to start a new shuffle on my phone's music library. I almost feel like something bad might happen if I don't. I do this every time I get into my car, as well. It's weird. But whatever. 
Anyway, the thing is...I love to really listen to the first song that plays in the shuffle. I feel like that song has some kind of meaning for coming up first on that particular day. 

Today my first song is "Woman Like Me" by the Creole Queen herself (Mrs. Carter if ya nasty). Now I loves me some Bey. This songs has been a fave of mine for awhile, because it's reminiscent of how I feel when I start feeling a guy lol. I'll just post my fave verse.
"Do you think
You could fall for a Woman Like Me...?
'Cause I find it hard to trust
And I need too much
And I really don't believe in love, no no...
Do you think
That I could be the girl of your dreams?
Sometimes I don't let things go,
I get emotional...
And sometimes I'm just out of CONTROL..."

So. It's Been Awhile (again) Lol

But I always come back to this place.
My blog is like that old friend who, no matter how long you go without speaking, when you see each other again you can't help the need to fill each other in. 
Catch up. 
Restore bonds.
I stepped away from blogging for quite some time, for various reasons. One, being my slight obsession with twitter. I mean, I'm lazy. Who wants to write long drawn out emotional posts when I can just get my point across 140 snippy characters at a time? Lol. Another reason...? I've been on this journey of re-learning how to just live. I think that blogs and tweets are just a textual performance...but not everything needs an audience, I believe. And I felt myself forgetting that, so I've actually stepped away from my twitter for awhile. I'm GiGi. And as much as @LovePeaceCurls is a part of me, I'm so much more. 

I find myself making conscious efforts throughout each day, to think about what I want, vs what I think people want to see me do. In some ways I think I still feel broken, and I stopped trusting myself to know/determine what's good for me. But it's time for things to change.
It's almost 9am, and I've been up since about 5am. I was sound asleep and I got this urge to just look outside. So that's what I did. I bundled up. I went out on the front porch, and then I got cold so I got into my car lol. And I just watched. I watched the sun. The birds. The squirrels playing in the leaves that I'm sure I'll end up raking today. I watched random people walking to/from who-knows-where. I watched because I tend to overlook a lot of things. So I'm re-learning to sit back and just...see. It's fascinating what you can see when you focus your eyes.


So...for those who care, and/or have been keeping up.....
I spoke to CB today. And to sum it all heart and head are in a VERY good state right now.
It's the first step (baby steps, I might add), but I honestly didn't realize I needed to hear certain things from him, until I heard them come out of his mouth..... Apologies. Acknowledgment of the errors that were made...I feel like our friendship, as strong as it was even before we began dating, is something that is real, and pure. And even though we didn't work out as a couple, that friendship is something I feel is worth salvaging and repairing. So that's all I'll go into for now, but yeah... The only way I can describe is like being stuck in a ditch, and finally having your car pushed out so that you can get to where you need & want to be. 


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